Why?

As a young adult in college I had the desire to be a wife and mother. To make my house a home, to love my children and support my husband. I often envisioned my little family as poor, but happy. I met Eric, fell in love and got married. I was a wife. And I've struggled more with that role than I thought I would. Turns out cooking dinner, making the bed and cleaning the bathroom don't come that naturally to me. I felt more successful in my day job than I did in the evenings at home. I figured in time, though, I would improve and some day, when I was at home full-time, I could hone my skills. 

We found out we were pregnant at the end of April 2011. I was pretty excited to have my  vision for my life coming to fruition. Of course I felt a lot of anxiety and apprehension, and pregnancy was not exactly what I imagined. And the things I wanted to accomplish at home took the back burner to my job and my tired, pregnant body. I looked forward to the day when I could be at home full-time, learning to cook those meals and caring for my baby. 

When Ella came I was a bit surprised at my learning curve of caring for a baby and keeping up the house. I was, apparently, a slow learner. And as the reality of staying at home dawned on me, I became extremely apprehensive. 

Eric and I were a bit spoiled as a newly married couple. We both worked full-time and had the income to show for it. Eating out, movies and roadtrips became a part of our norm. I enjoy adding new items to my wardrobe (and Eric's, too). The thought of not having those activities in our lives for the next couple of years had me doubting my initial desire to be at home full-time. Especially as I realized my skills would be expected to help make up for the loss of income. Sewing children's clothes and curtains and pillow cases seems like the natural substitute for shopping. But I leave much to be desired when it comes to running a sewing machine. Much. And unfortunately for Eric, he's far more the natural cook. I have to really follow the recipe and even then it ends up tasting pretty mediocre. How am I to compete with the allures of eating out? Etc. etc. etc. 

And so when it came down to me making the actual decision to walk away from a good job and stay at home full-time, I couldn't seem to make a definitive decision. I wavered and wavered and wavered. Finally, it was the morning of when my boss needed a firm decision. For some reason I picked up the new 'Daughters in My Kingdom' book and read this (I've italicized the phrases that spoke to me):

Mary Fielding Smith set an example as a strong, loving mother. Her son Joseph F. Smith, who became the sixth President of the Church, recalled:
“I can remember my mother in the days of Nauvoo. I remember seeing her and her helpless children hustled into a flat boat with such things as she could carry out of the house at the commencement of the bombardment of the city of Nauvoo by the mob. I remember the hardships of the Church there and on the way to Winter Quarters, on the Missouri river, and how she prayed for her children and family on her wearisome journey. … I can remember all the trials incident to our endeavors to move out with the Camp of Israel, coming to these valleys of the mountains without teams sufficient to draw our wagons; and being without the means to get those teams necessary, she yoked up her cows and calves, and tied two wagons together, and we started to come to Utah in this crude and helpless condition, and my mother said—‘The Lord will open the way;’ but how He would open the way no one knew. I was a little boy then, and I drove team and did my share of the work. I remember coming upon her in her secret prayer to God to enable her to accomplish her mission. Do you not think that these things make an impression upon the mind? Do you think I can forget the example of my mother? No; her faith and example will ever be bright in my memory. What do I think! Every breath I breathe, every feeling of my soul rises to God in thankfulness to Him that my mother was a Saint, that she was a woman of God, pure and faithful, and that she would suffer death rather than betray the trust committed to her; that she would suffer poverty and distress in the wilderness and try to hold her family together rather than remain in Babylon. That is the spirit which imbued her and her children.”

 "‘The Lord will open the way;’" 

"enable her to accomplish her mission." 

"she would suffer poverty and distress in the wilderness 

and try to hold her family together 

rather than remain in Babylon."

After reading that, I knew that my decision to stay at home full-time would be blessed by my Heavenly Father. I knew I needed to leave my Babylonian desires behind and put my faith in God that he would help watch over our family. I know that my roles as wife and mother are the core of my mission here and that eventually my talents and skills that have been exercised outside of the home will work together to improve and enhance our family and home.

I know that being at home full-time is not for every woman, either circumstances don't permit it, or she enjoys and finds fulfillment in those associations and opportunities outside the home. I'm not judging anybody - my Mom worked full-time while I was growing up! I just wanted to share my view and experience, cause that's what blogs are for, sharing. Tender.

Now off to fold some more laundry. Curses.