Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Back in the Valley

Do you ever find yourself letting the wind tickle itself through your fingers? It is something I find myself doing more and more. I find it invigorating. Your palm has some of the most sensitive sensors... I just feel so alive and I can't help but smile. It is true that I found myself first doing it in Rexburg, because there seemed to be a constant breeze, and then instead of loathing the wind I found myself loving it.

You know those days where you just find yourself thanking God for the innumerable blessings He has given you? Where you realize just how patheticly you take things for granted. I watched the convocation for the Virginia Tech Massacre, yesterday. I didn't realize it had affected me, until I found myself wiping away tears. It was just a normal day, that ended crushingly on those left behind. I took a shower afterwards and just let myself cry, only for a minute, for all the pain, the sorrow, the evil, the victims in the world. Those who go hungry, those who are raped, abused, sleeping in boxes, hiding in fear, alone.....Then I choose to spend the day being grateful that for some reason or another I've been blessed with the life I lead.

Somedays it feels redundant, some days mundane. Some days I feel so dissapointed with everything, me, my friends, my family, my accomplishments, my government, everything..... Those days, or even those little moments, are so disheartening. I have to almost physically pull myself back out, dab water on my face and wash away those ego-centric thoughts. I mean, I have family who loves me unconditionally and have taught me more about life and love than any book or lecture. I've had friends who've come into my life and have helped me to grow and to change, to love, to smile, to laugh, sometimes their stay with me is only a few weeks, sometimes a few months, others have been around for years, and some I hope will stay for a lifetime. I live in a country with so many freedoms and possibilities.... Where I feel more safe then at risk. I have my faith in the gospel of Jesus Christ, of his infinite atonement for my sins, pains, and sorrows. And in a loving Father in Heaven who is concerened even with someone as small and insignificant as me. I have a roof over head, a shirt on my back, food in my stomach, and my health.

I am truly blessed.

Moving on, I am back in La Grande. Finals week was a whirlwind. Then the cleaning and packing. I was on campus that Thursday morning, for my final final and the thought occurred to me that that was probably the last time I would be on that campus as a student. I thought about stopping into the Chapel for some closure, but didn't. I don't think it ever hit me that I was leaving Rexburg for good. I suppose I look at it as not really leaving things behind. I am taking the things I've learned, the personal growth, the experiences, the relationships, I am taking them with me and moving on. I am making changes in my life. The courage to make those changes came slowly, but I am proud and excited for what the next phases in life will bring.

I registered for classes at BYU on Monday night. Mom was asleep in her chair at 10:45pm. So I took her key and went down to her work. It was pouring rain, the streets were deserted (can you say "La Grande?"). Then her computer was having issues....But finally I got on, got all my classes and even signed up for a Kayaking class! I am pretty excited. I think I found a place to live down there, too. The rage is to call the housing "condos" so I will be in a "condo" which is more like a duplex, about a block and a half from campus. Hopefully it works out like I hope I will. I could've lived with friends, but felt like I needed to be able to stand on my own two feet.

Being home has been interesting. I sleep less than I did at school. Last week I was the personal cab driver for the Leavitt kids. School, practices..... I used so much gas and felt like that was what all my time was going to. I look forward to the return of friends from college.... Starting in the beginnig of May with Kara and Teresa, and going through til June with all my Oregon and Oregon State buddies. I hope to spend more time with the friends I have here now. It is hard because they all have school or work or both.... I am hoping to make a trip with my sister Zoey, who just turned 13 (stop the madness please) and Kylee and Katelyn to the tri-cities this Saturday, so that has great possibilities for fun.

I am working on getting back into my eating and work out habits. I was working out fine, but I was eating way too much and gained back two pounds! Luckily I am taking back control and feel much better.... Anyway, I should go. I am supposed to be writing a cover letter to put with my resume to send to a potential employer (ah the joys of finding a job)....